It's Probably Sharon

Murder in my Family. Part 3

I apologize for the delay in posting to my blog. With all of the COVID-19 issues and then an earthquake, I was finding it hard to focus on my blog.

I will continue on from where I left off. Soon, the entire family was down at my dad’s place. Police kept anyone from seeing or getting too close to anything. The family congregated on the road in front of the house. Everyone, as you can imagine, was in disbelief. Kato was peeking out through his gate, very calm. As if he knew something bad had happened. Having multiple officers and several cars on the property would normally cause excitement for him… but not that day. He was on part of the property that the family wasn’t allowed on yet. Damon’s car was parked on the back corner of the property, facing towards the house. It was an odd place to park his car. That is another thing that we wonder about, ‘Why was his car parked back there?’ The family discussed whether they should try and notify dad and I on the cruise ship…. Or tell us when we arrived home the next day. An officer overheard the conversation and insisted they notify us, otherwise the authorities would need to. That’s when my brother in law called our room on the ship and spoke with my dad. A few family members started contacting Facebook to have Damon’s final post taken down.

The insurance company was notified and sent a disaster recovery team to fix the holes in the walls, remove the carpeting and everything from Chad’s room. The family, assuming everyone would be gathering at dad’s place to plan funeral services and just be together, spent hours cleaning the main floor of the house. As I mentioned before – dad and I just were not ready to see the house once we arrived back in Utah. Looking back, I am certain being in the house at all that day must have been painfully hard on the family.

We had to plan two funerals. I feel like I was so deep in my own thoughts, that I wasn’t much help planning the funerals. Really, if it weren’t for others stepping up to help with the planning and offering ideas. I don’t think the funerals would have turned out as nice as they did. We had so many people praying for us during all of this. I am not a super religious person, but the power of prayer is certainly real. Without the love and prayers from so many friends, family and even strangers… I don’t think I could have made it through those days. There were many times, I had the feeling of being enveloped in warmth and love. It is really hard to describe in words. It was like I was being carried through it all, by something I couldn’t see or touch. I will never forget that feeling. In fact, sometimes I still feel it. People were so supportive to the family. Employers, coworkers and friends of the family arrived with Costco sized supplies for my brothers house. Food, drinks, plates, paper towels… everything you can think of – so that we didn’t have to go out shopping.

As the days went by. Dad decided he was ready to go home, so I went with him. Damon’s funeral would be the following morning. When I got home, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go down to the basement yet. I saw dad open the door to the basement stairs and decided to go down with him. Not sure what we were going to see. Looking around the corner at the bottom of the stairs, the family room looked the same as it would any other day. Chad’s bedroom door is just on the far wall of the family room. We opened the door, I remember it smelled like formaldehyde. Must have been something the disaster recovery team used for cleaning or something. The room was empty. No carpet or anything was in there. We could see where they had patched the walls. Dad then went down the hall to look at the other bedroom that shared a wall with Chad’s room. I went in Chad’s room and sat on the cold concrete floor, right where Chad’s bed used to be. I just cried and talked to Chad. Telling him over and over that I was sorry this happened, that I loved him and missed him. After a while I went into Damon’s room. It looked just like it did the last time I was in there. Laundry basket half full, bed looked like he had just gotten out of it. A closet full of clothes. A drink bottle half empty sitting on his shelf. The room looked like it was waiting for someone to come back into it…. Knowing that Damon wasn’t ever coming back just broke my heart a little more.

The next morning we got ready and went to the church for Damon’s funeral. Since Damon had so much damage to his head, we could not have an open casket for the viewing. I just had to be able to hold his hand, even for a few seconds. The funeral director (who is also my cousin) arranged a way I could do that. They placed a beautiful satin pillow over his face and opened the casket. I and a few other family members were at least able to hold his hand and say goodbye before the services started. We put a few of his favorite things in with him. Including a jacket and his batman hat. The funeral was beautiful. Many of Damon’s coworkers and friends attended and shared their confusion and sympathy. At the end of the day we were all so emotionally drained. We had another funeral to prepare for.

Chad’s funeral was the following day. Unfortunately, his viewing had to be a closed casket. People had created amazing photo displays and different artistic pieces, displayed to honor Chad. As the family stood in line by the casket we heard so many stories of Chad from friends of his. I had never seen so many police officers and correctional officers in one place. The funeral services were over the top. We laughed and cried. Once it was time to wheel the casket out to the Hearse, the family followed behind. Walking out of the doors to go outside was a sight I will never forget. Officers standing shoulder to shoulder in line on both sides of the parking lot, leading to the Hearse. My nephew (Chad’s oldest son) fell to his knees with emotion. What a wonderful tribute! As I write this my eyes are tearing up. We had gotten through the funerals.

I found myself reading over Damon’s last post – over and over again. (Someone had taken a screenshot of it, so I could read it.) Wondering what happened in the house while we were away. From the post it was clear there was tension, but he didn’t really give details. We were called to go over to the warehouse that the items from Chad’s room were taken to. It was hard to see all of his belongings just piled here and there. I thought ‘most of everything Chad owned is in this room’ it was such a strange feeling. We had to go through and decide which things we wanted back. They would then clean them thoroughly and bring them back to the house.

The following weeks were very rough. Every morning when I woke, it took me a few minutes to remember what had happened. Maybe in some way, I was wishing I was just waking from a horrible dream. I still expected Damon or Chad to walk through the door, returning home from this or that. Sometimes I would just pretend they were ‘at work’ – it sounds strange, but it made me feel a little better. I searched the house in hopes that Damon had left a note for me. He had written a Facebook post, but I wondered if he left a note for me personally. About 3 weeks later. I was gathering up my laptop from my work desk as I needed to drive into work that day. For some reason I lifted up the external keyboard and found a note under it. I spent days typing away on that keyboard, not knowing the note was under it all along. Unfortunately it didn’t give me any answers to the questions I had. I simply said “ILU! I waited til the end of your cruise the best I could. Don’t blame guns, there are many other ways. Here are my passwords for most things…” The note had his debit card and 130.00 in cash with it.

I will stop here for now.

A Murder in my family. My story. Part 2

HOW I RECEIVED THE NEWS

I was single. My dad was a widower. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and often talked about how fun it would be. We had hoped that my siblings and their spouses, maybe even my adult sons would want to plan and go on a cruise as well. It just didn’t work out for the rest of the family, whether it was because of work or just not being able to afford it at the time. My dad and I planned the cruise about a year in advance. We had our sights set on the Caribbean / Bahamas. The months seemed to drag on forever, just waiting for March. We both did research and felt like we were prepared. I had fun buying new clothes and shoes for the trip. Planning what to do on each island we stopped at was exciting. As the time grew closer, I got increasingly nervous. I’m sure that is normal for most people. I was talking with Damon a few days before we left. I was telling him that I wished he was coming too. He said he would have, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get his room close to ours. I told him, it didn’t matter where his room was, because we won’t be in the rooms most of the time. We agreed… the next trip he would come too.

The morning came… on the day we would be leaving for our trip. Dad and I were double checking to be certain we had packed everything on our lists. I could hear Chad and dad talking in the other room about going to breakfast. Soon Chad came and asked if I would like to go with them… I must have had a stressed looked on my face because he then said “Come on, it will be the last time… (then there was a pause, just for a second, and it was probably nothing but I often think about that sentence) … you will have breakfast with dad in Utah for a while.” I agreed and the three of us went out for breakfast. We talked about the cruise Chad had taken his oldest son on for his graduation trip. Chad gave us some last-minute tips and reminded us to take lots of pictures. Later that day, dad and I were gathering our bags together in the dining room, we would be leaving in just 10 minutes. Dad, Damon and I were standing there in the room. I said “Maybe I should leave a note in the kitchen saying Please make sure to clean up before we get back home” then I mumbled… “Never mind, I don’t want to start anything.” Damon immediately was upset and said, “Why the f*** wont anyone confront him!?” I ‘shushed’ him… which made him more upset. (Damon never dropped the f-bomb in front of me, ever… let alone his grandpa. I just didn’t have time for an argument… we were leaving within minutes.) Dad didn’t say anything. We gathered our bags and loaded them in the truck. Damon rode with us to the airport, so he could drive the truck back home and save us parking fees. On the ride to the airport, it was quiet. Damon was in the backseat. Dad said, “We have a little time, anyone want to stop for a burger?” I said “No.” Damon said quietly “I’m good.” Those were the only words Damon said the entire time. Once we arrived at the airport, dad handed $20 to Damon for the parking fee. Damon walked around and got in the drivers’ seat… before I shut my door I said “Be good. I love you.” He didn’t respond, just drove away. On any normal day, when I wasn’t rushing to get on a flight to a cruise, I was already nervous about… I think I would have paid more attention to the way he was acting. I just thought he was in a mood because I ‘shushed’ him.

We made it on to the cruise ship. We were on the Carnival Glory. We stopped at several islands and went on excursions on each one. It was a full trip, always busy. On one of our stops I checked my phone and had a slight signal, I looked quickly on Facebook and saw that Chad had posted a video of his General Lee driving away from the house. The caption said “It’s sold” (or something close to that). I had forgotten that he had to have it sold by a certain date and give his ex-wife half of the money. It was part of their divorce. My heart sank – just knowing how much he loved that car. I was sad he had to part with it. I thought, I’m sure he is so sad right now; on top of everything else going on in his life. The last day of our cruise was just the ship heading back to port, a day at sea, with no stops. Around 3 pm Atlantic time I decided I was going to look for an empty lounge chair and get some sun out on the deck and relax, soak it up while I could. Dad said he wanted to go back to the room to take a nap. I was surprised, this was the first time he had wanted to go take a nap the entire cruise. Just a short 15 minutes after dad had left me to go back to the room… he was tapping me on the shoulder. I was a little confused. He said “Sharon, I need you to come back to the room. I am not feeling well.” I was instantly worried; this was totally out of character for him. I got up and followed him. I was wanting to ask him questions, but he was walking so fast I couldn’t. I remember getting on the elevator and it kept stopping at every floor… each floor I was getting more annoyed. Thinking “My dad is sick & we need to get back to the room quickly.” We eventually got back to the room, I started with questions “What’s wrong? What can I do to help?” and my dad said “I need you to sit down.” So, I sat in the chair, increasingly confused, thinking “If he is sick, why is he asking me to sit down?” Then he knelt down in front of me, took off his glasses and held my hands. Looking me straight in the eyes he said “There has been an accident at home. Damon and Chad are dead.” I just stared; I don’t think I said anything… I just stared. Every scenario running through my mind. “A fire, there must have been a fire.” was my first thought. Then dad said, “Right now, from the looks of things, it appears to be a murder – suicide.” I thought… “What? No… that doesn’t make sense at all.” I can’t even put into words exactly what it felt like. My mind was racing… memories, conversations with each of them, birthday parties, Christmas’s, family vacations, camping trips. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Then he said, “It looks like Damon shot Chad and then himself. Chad was found in his own bed and Damon was found out by Kato’s corral. Nobody knows why it happened.” I don’t think I said much, I just remember my mind racing with questions, scenarios and not believing any of this could be true. When my dad had gone back to the room earlier to take a nap, he received a call from my brother in law. My brother in law was the one that found Chad. At that time, we really were not told anything else… nobody was sure what had caused it.

Dad and I decided we needed to go and speak with guest services on the ship to see if there was any way to help us get home faster. Dad did all of the talking, I just sat there with tears rolling down my face in confusion and shock. The woman who helped us was amazing. She got our flight changed to an earlier one, she also arranged for us to be the first off the ship so we could make the early flight. She turned on free Wi-Fi for us. (We hadn’t signed up for the wifi package. Our phones were useless before this) So we could communicate with our family at home. Honestly, I was in such complete shock, I remember not being able to even work my own phone, it was like my brain was shut off.

Later that night. Not many other people were out, most were in their rooms. I was sitting in the casino area of the ship, on a bench with a big window overlooking the ocean. I remember staring out into the night and just trying to figure it all out. It was so overwhelming. A couple times the thought went through my mind to jump overboard… It sounds crazy, but at that moment I couldn’t handle what was rushing through my mind. It was just too horrible to deal with. “I can’t handle this!” I thought. Chad’s children will have to grow up without him. They need him. Damon was so young and had so much ahead of him… and now he is just… gone. I can’t imagine going through life without either of them. Just about that time dad came and found me and sat by me. We didn’t talk much; we were both just in complete shock. We had so many unanswered questions. We just wanted to be back home with our family. I had a message buzz through on my phone. It was a friend saying they just saw the news. “It’s on the news?” I asked, he said yes and sent me the link. It all just seemed unreal… my family is on the news.

We got off the ship the next morning and made it to the plane. That flight seemed so long. I remember getting up to go to the back of the plane to use the restroom. When I came out, the food cart was between me and my seat… there was no way to get to my seat until the cart moved. I stood there waiting and crying. I couldn’t stop crying, I stood there for about 20 minutes. There was a little boy there in that last seat that kept looking at me, probably wondering why I was sad. All I could think when I saw his little face looking at me was – MY little boy is gone. Why and how could my sweet boy do such a thing? Never in a million years would such a thing ever cross my mind… I just couldn’t understand. We eventually made it back to the airport at home, Damon was supposed to pick us up. Instead, we were met with most of our family… they all came to get us. You could see in their eyes; they all were exhausted – just worn down. I had never been so happy to see my family – I needed them so much right now. We all needed each other. The hug I needed the most was from my oldest son, thank goodness he was there. When we got into the truck, the same one Damon had ridden with us to the airport in, I remember seeing the $20 bill and the parking receipt from when he dropped us off. It was tucked just under the dash mat. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought… Damon was the last one to touch this.

I couldn’t go home, neither could dad. We were not ready to see the house yet. Since we had luggage from our trip… we camped out at my other brother’s home. He and my sister in law said we could stay as long as we needed to. Their house became the hub. Our extended family, people from church, friends… everyone, came there to see us and talk. Once we had the family all together, we wanted to hear how it all happened the day before. My sister had seen a Facebook post from Damon that was very alarming. She had called her husband to go check on him since he was off work that day and lived only a few miles away from us. (My brother in law was very close to Chad, they worked together and carpooled) He went through the house frantically looking for Damon and eventually opened Chad’s bedroom door. At first, he thought he was looking at Damon in the bed… until he noticed the thick hair on his arms. At that point he realized it was Chad in the bed; Chad had been shot several times. Once the police arrived, they found Damon’s body laying on the side driveway (extra driveway to the back of property) … over by Kato’s corral.

I think I will stop here for now and continue with the story next week.

A Murder in my family. My story. Part 1

The media wanted to talk to us, but we were all too shocked to even speak with them. It’s been nearly three years now and I am ready to talk. I don’t want my posts to be too long so I will need to break up the story into a few parts.

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THE BACK STORY

My family has always been very close. We go camping together and take trips together. We have many family parties over the year. We all live in the same little town we grew up in. I am the oldest of five children, three girls and two boys. I am a widow. My husband took his own life in 1996. I have two amazing sons, a stunningly beautiful daughter-in-law and eight nieces and nephews. All of the young cousins like getting together and playing or having sleepovers at each other’s houses.

Chad's car in the parade — Chad’s General Lee

My brother Chad had purchased an old Dodge Charger. His dream car since he was 8 years old was the ‘General Lee’ from the old ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ show. His marriage wasn’t doing well and he was separated from his wife off and on. He had sold his home quickly, as he was in danger of losing it. With the small amount of money he got from that, he decided to build his dream car. He worked on the car in my dad’s huge garage. It seems like the better part of a year they worked on it. I would go down to mom and dad’s to watch Chad’s children while they worked on the car. Many people came to help work on the car off and on. The main helper was my son, Damon, for 90% of it he was right by my brother’s side helping him with it and learning. They were both so excited about it. Well, we all were. Once the car was finished and painted my brother liked to share the car in car shows and parades. Every time he drove it to the store or anywhere… people would stop him and ask if they could take a picture with it. He would let people sit in it and check it out. He said he built it for people to enjoy, it made him happy to share it. He allowed my son, Damon, to drive it several times – even to High School. This honestly made me nervous… I worried about the car getting scratched or worse. My brother had a really bad temper and it scared me to think what might happen if his prized car got damaged. I grew up with his temper and it was scary. Damon soon bought his own ‘69 Charger to restore. He spent days searching for parts for the car, we had shipments coming in from all over the nation with odds and ends he needed for his new project. It seemed nobody was interested in helping him with his project, not like they were with Chad’s car…eventually his car ended up in the back of the property.

Home life for us was a little different than in most families. My mother passed away in 2010 and after 6 months or so… since I was always at ‘Dad’s house’ when I wasn’t at work, we decided it might be a good idea for me and my youngest son, Damon, to move in. It’s a large home with 6 bedrooms, most of the rooms were not being used. Moving in with my dad meant I would be able to do cooking (the only thing dad can cook is popcorn in the microwave) cleaning, laundry and paying him rent to help him out. It was nice to not have him living all alone too. Losing my mom, after so many years of marriage would certainly be a hard change.

Skip to a few years later. My brother Chad moved in as well, he was in the process of a divorce. Between lawyer costs, child support, therapy, etc… he needed to move in for the time being. Family was extremely important to Chad. When he was a little boy, he was asked: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” His answer wasn’t a Fireman or a Doctor… he answered, “I want to be a daddy.” He loved his kids so much. He has 4 of them. One from a previous marriage and 3 from this last marriage. We all loved having the kids over at the house, they visited often. We (the whole family) built a little playhouse for all the kids in dad’s back yard, with a loft and windows… even a dutch door. Chad helped me set up a giant pool in the yard for the whole family to enjoy, we have had hours of fun with it… it is still up today after 5 years. It was well worth the money. Chad was a great dad. He loved to dress-up along with the kids on Halloween. One year he dressed as Darth Vader and stood in his driveway. He would hand a lightsaber to the neighborhood children as they walked up and make them battle him before he gave them candy. Often I would walk into the Livingroom and see Chad in the recliner with all three kids piled on top of him watching a movie. He spent quality time with his kids. He took them camping, on trips, and made fun YouTube videos with them. The kids adored him. I especially loved having the kids visit. I am an awesome auntie and love to teach them to bake things and make crafts.. just fun and happy things to do together. I would take them shopping to pick out an outfit from time to time. Chad would always appreciate this, he was strapped financially so this helped him out a little and I loved spoiling them.

Over time little things would start to annoy me. I think that is probably normal when many adults are sharing a house for long periods of time. I’m sure I am no picnic to live with myself. I cooked the meals for everyone most of the time. One thing that really bothered me was my brother making a huge meal for his kids or for all of us…then promptly go downstairs and leave the mess. Sometimes I would wait for a couple of days to clean it up, in hopes he would clean it up himself. But he never did. This would happen about once every week. After a couple years, it just really annoyed me. The dumb thing is, I didn’t dare to confront him about it because I was worried about how he would react. With his job, his finances and his family falling apart. I didn’t want to say anything to make him snap. I’m not saying I am an award-winning house-keeper, but I do not enjoy cleaning up other people’s messes over and over. My brother was a great guy. He was always there to listen if anyone was going through a rough patch. He usually had good advice. He had tons of friends, they all have great stories about him. He had a great sense of humor and could make anyone laugh. He had a lot of imagination and creativity. He was great at making videos for YouTube. He also had started doing wedding videos for friends and family. He was really good at it, he loved doing them. I could go on for pages about what a great person he was. He had worked his way up over the years and was a Sergeant at a correctional facility. It’s about an hour’s drive from home. He liked his job, but I know it took its toll on him emotionally.

My son Damon was working at Walmart in the seasonal department. He moved up quickly to the manager. They were very impressed with him right from the start. We were all very proud of him and felt lucky that Walmart could see his potential. Damon was really quiet and shy around most people. He had ‘social anxiety’ which I could relate with. I think I had it as well in my younger years, I was never diagnosed though. He didn’t like to be in crowds of people, especially people he didn’t know. When he set his mind to something, he would always achieve it. One year he was folding up pieces of paper into shapes. We would ask what he was doing and he would give a silly answer. Eventually the shapes he was folding turned into a life-sized replica of Master Chief from the XBOX Halo games. He loved that game and played it often. He put Bondo and other stuff on it, painted it, and could even wear it as a costume. It looks amazing. You would never guess it started out as paper. The local ‘Game Stop’ store had him come in costume for the release of one of the Halo games. Dozens of their customers took pictures with him and posted them on Facebook. He was very proud of it. It is now put together and stands as a statue in our basement family room. One day in 2016, something happened at Walmart, I still do not know the whole story. Something angered him and he just walked out, just quit! I noticed he hadn’t gone to work for a few days. I questioned him and he said he walked out. He didn’t really want to talk about it. Damon had a large savings account and didn’t seem in a big hurry to find another job. However, he continued to pay rent to my dad every month without fail. He spent a lot of time in his room playing video games and playing with our 2-year-old Husky. Even though Kato was my dog… He favored Damon. Damon was his ‘person’. He would go hang out with friends or my older son, once in a while. He would also go target practicing with his gun. Twice a month he and I would go out to dinner and talk. I looked forward to our dinner dates. He used to send me flowers a few times during the year, I loved those surprises. Damon would do anything for his grampa, my dad. He made sure the lawn was mowed and trimmed every week without being asked. It was a big job, it takes a few hours to take care of that big yard. I make greeting cards as a hobby. He used to sit at the table with me and visit while I worked on the cards. I would get his opinion when I couldn’t decide on a color or a pattern. While he sat and visited with me he would be tossing the ball into the living room for Kato to fetch. He had bought an old Blazer from my youngest brother. He did quite a lot of work on it, even rebuilt the transmission all by himself. I was always impressed by Damon and the things he accomplished. If we couldn’t get the BlueRay or the printer to work, he could always fix the problem. He was a sweet and smart young man.

Damon's Master Chief — Damon’s Master Chief

Mid-2016 I started to notice Damon acting strange towards Chad. For example, if the whole family was getting together for a party… he would ask if Chad was going. If I said, “yes he is”… Damon would decide not to attend the party. As Christmas came closer and we were decorating the house Chad had asked Damon to move ‘Master Chief’ so he could put up his Christmas tree in the basement family room. Damon refused and replied, “Squatters don’t deserve to have a tree”. Obviously, the fact Chad hadn’t been paying rent to my dad over the months was eating at him. Chad came upstairs to find me and let me know what was going on. Damon followed behind. When Chad told me what Damon had said… my heart sank… I knew Chad was going to lose his temper any second. The next thing I knew Chad had Damon by the collar screaming in his face. Chad’s face was beet red. Damon was laughing… saying “Go ahead hit me! I’ll have you lose your job in minutes!” Chad then went downstairs and a few minutes later he called for me to come down. He was really upset and said something along the lines of “I’m done. I’m going to kill myself.” Knowing we have guns in the house, I immediately called 911. I didn’t know what else to do. I was scared and felt this was way more than I could handle. They came and took Chad somewhere overnight. Skip to Christmas morning, while the entire family was over to exchange gifts and have breakfast… Damon refused to come out of his room and join in. He didn’t open his gifts for a week. One of the gift’s I gave him was a tailgater, I have one and he used to use it all the time… he didn’t even take it downstairs to his room. He ‘unfriended’ ME on Facebook soon after Christmas. I still don’t understand that one, because we still got along like normal. I just assumed he was in a ‘mood’. After that, things seemed to go back to normal for the most part. Until they didn’t…

Single Valentine – No matter!

Years ago I would have been feeling sorry for myself, not having a ‘Valentine’. The first Valentine’s Day without your sweetheart can be a flood of memories, whether they passed away, a divorce or a bad break-up. For me that first year was definitely rough. One thing I did after my husband passed; I wrote him a letter on Valentine’s day. I explained what I missed, how much I loved him etc… Somehow, writing it down, I felt a release. If you are in this stage, I really recommend trying it. You will see what I mean. You are allowed to miss those happy days. I have been single for several years, by my own choice. My youngest son used to send flowers to me a few days before Valentine’s day. He was a ‘penny-pincher’ and it cost less to send them a few days before. I don’t know if he was trying to make me feel less lonely or just wanting to show me how much he loved me. He would have made a great husband, he was very thoughtful. Since he passed away a couple of years ago… I have to admit, I miss that in a big way. Of course facebook reminds me, with pictures of those days. I love the reminders and for a moment, going back to those times.

Appreciate the great people in your life!

As the years go on I have learned, Valentine’s Day is just another day. Rather than putting myself in the sad, lonely state – I choose to celebrate the fantastic people in my life that I love so much. I spend some time making handmade valentine’s and mailing them off. I also make some scrumptious sugar cookies shaped like hearts to share. I get my pups a special treat too, I spend the most time with them – I guess that makes them my sweethearts. Putting my thoughts towards others, keeps me from feeling ‘lonely’. One year I was in DC with my sister for a quick trip. It was evening on Valentine’s Day. We were walking past a man selling bunches of flowers on the sidewalk. I thought, how sad most of these flowers have nobody to go to today. I bought a bouquet, just because. As we walked to our hotel there was a little old lady with a hunched over back, shuffling along the sidewalk. I handed her the flowers and wished her a happy Valentine’s day. She looked at me, not sure what to think. Then said ‘thank you.’ I like to think I made her day brighter. You don’t need a ‘significant other’ to celebrate love.

The BIG day

Once Valentine’s day comes, I see it as just another day really. I am fine with where I am in life right now. I actually like being single. I am not saying I have always liked it, but it has grown on me. So, on Valentine’s Day I do something for ME. Something I enjoy. I might go to the shop and pick up a small bouquet of flowers. Maybe go for a nice drive in the country, just to marvel at the wonderful beauty surrounding me. I am beyond grateful to live in the gorgeous state of Utah, I see something new every time I go for a drive. I can cook my favorite meal, along with desert. Even trying out a new recipe would be fun. When evening comes.. It’s time to pop some popcorn & snuggle up in my most favorite gingham, fluffy blanket on the recliner. I have several movies that I have been meaning to watch (as I am sure you have), now is the time to pick one or two… just get lost in a good movie. Sure, it might be easy to just do your normal, everyday routine instead. But… YOU are awesome – do something you love, for you! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gardening helps with grief

Life is overwhelmingly painful after we lose a loved one. I would like to share things that help me as I go through the grieving process. Hopefully it will help someone else out there. I am now living in the same home I grew up in. When I was a child, my parents would plant a big vegetable garden nearly every summer. I hated it! I was to help with weeding the garden and I did not enjoy it at all. I would rather go play in the sandbox or swing on the swing set or play with friends. Really, anything else but weed the garden. As I got older and had my own place, the thought of planting a garden never crossed my mind.

I now forward to 2018, my son and my brother had been gone nearly one year at the time. I needed something to do with the extra time I had now. Something to take my mind off of my loss. Something I could take care of and watch it grow. I thought I would try planning and planting a vegetable garden, in the same area we had grown it when I was young. I wanted to start some of the seedlings inside, since it is cheaper than buying the seedlings from the nursery. I do not have a south-facing window, so I had to purchase a few different grow lights like the ones linked. All three of them worked wonderful, I may add a couple more this year. I also needed seed starting kits. The kits linked worked very well for me. They have compressed peat disks, when you add water to them they grow to size. You can purchase the refill disks separately, and use your trays over again. I bought all sorts of seeds. Way more than would fit in my garden area. (I was overly excited) Four to six weeks before it was time to plant outdoors, I started my seeds. Before long a few little seedlings sprouted. It was exciting to have something to look forward to each day.

My dad has a large, gas powered rototiller. However, it is too big for me to handle. I did some research online and found an electric tiller that was small, yet would work for my garden. It had great reviews. It was a good purchase for my little garden project. Once I got the area tilled up, it was time to plant my seedlings. The edge of my garden area is just 10 feet away from the spot my son died. It was hard at first, to be so close to that area of the yard. With time it didn’t bother me as much. I found that trying to move shovels, rakes, big bags of topsoil and peat was quite difficult. I found a tough wagon to load my supplies in and pull around the garden. I can’t live without this wagon, it is a back saver. Not to mention, I can use it for multiple things around the yard. So, I planted my seedlings. I even had some volunteer pumpkin plants come up later on in the season – that’s what happens when you throw your old Jack-o-lanterns into the (then) weed patch.

Over the Spring and Summer I loved to take care of my garden. I spent hours just enjoying the sun on my face and growing these beautiful veggies. I also planted multiple flowers around the yard. Weeding still isn’t my favorite task, it isn’t as bad as it seemed when I was a child though. Planting and caring for a garden was, and still is, excellent therapy for me. I think it is important to have a project to work on when you are grieving. It is hard to focus on anything other than your recent loss. Gardening is a good outlet and you get to eat and share the end result… BONUS! My garden last year was even bigger and better than the previous year. I am actually getting really good at it. I have started including my young nephews and teaching them a little bit about it. My dogs get to enjoy the outdoors as I work in my garden, so it’s a win for them as well. There is nothing like a fresh tomato or green beans from the garden. I am currently starting to plan my garden for this year. If you do not have the ability to plant a garden in your yard. A nice tomato plant in a pot can still be a form of therapy.

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your feedback. Have a great day!

Seeing signs from heaven

Three weeks after we lost my brother and my son, my sister was due to have her first baby. In the midst of trying to recover after two funerals, being in a state of shock and avoiding the media… our family had something exciting coming our way. A new baby! The day my nephew was born was a wonderful day. It was nice to not be so consumed with our recent, tragic loss and be able to focus on something else, a miracle. The baby was born perfect, healthy and extremely handsome. We were snapping pictures of our new addition with his proud parents, as you do. Later, when my sister was scrolling through her phone looking at the photos… she saw something that made her feel indescribably overwhelmed with emotion. My recently deceased son (her nephew) was in one of the photos. She was elated! He was there in the hospital with us that day. Then she suddenly felt heartbroken… knowing he was gone and that it couldn’t really be him. She sent me the photo, I opened it up and was… confused, I instantly thought she photoshopped it. I was a bit angry at her. “That is a horrible joke” I thought. She explained, in fact she had done nothing to the photo. It was just like that. How amazing it was to see him! Everyone (that knew my son) we have shown the photo to and asked “Who is that person in the background?” 100% of them said it was my son. Once we explained the photo was taken 3 weeks after he passed… well, you can imagine the various reactions we saw. I personally think he was there that day, he wanted to be a part of the excitement with his family. And made sure his little cousin made it to us safely.

Ever since my brother and my son passed away I have noticed ‘heart-shaped’ objects in random places. I see them around the house, in my garden, in my food and outside. One January morning I went out to my garage; there on one of the cement stairs was a damp heart shape. Someone must have had snow on their boots while going up the stairs the day before – the snow melted and left a wet ‘heart’ on the step. I think that was the first one I really noticed. My son and I use to look for heart shaped rocks – while we were in our yard, or while we were camping… really anywhere there were rocks. Now, when I notice a heart shape – I feel it is my son saying ‘Hi Mom! I love you!’ Last summer our cat had four sweet little kittens, we were shocked when we saw… one of the kittens was born with a heart shaped patch of orange fur on top of her head. I felt a cold chill run through my body when I saw it. How amazing! I know my son had something to do with that. I named the kitten Heartlee. When I walk my dogs, she actually follows and walks with us. She is adorable. Another time I was outside, in my vegetable garden checking on my cabbage. An insect had eaten a heart shape out of one of the cabbage leaves. Bubbles in my tiny garden pond formed a heart on top of the water on another day. It was disappearing quickly, I almost didn’t get a photo of it. We ordered pizza for a family get together. I was checking for empty pizza boxes to throw out. I opened one pizza box to see if it was empty, all that was left inside was an olive… in the shape of a heart. Another time, I was eating a handful of cashews. The phone rang, so I set the cashews down on a paper towel. When I finished my phone call and went back to the cashews… I noticed one of them was shaped like a heart. I have so many more examples, I could go on and on. I get a warm, wonderful feeling when I see these. I feel like my son is close and around me, even though I can’t see him. He knows I miss him terribly and is trying to comfort me. I have put together a short 1 minute slideshow of the hearts I have seen if you want to take a look. Video

Another interesting thing I have noticed, I see the number ‘one’ in groups frequently. Nearly everyday – I just happen to look at my watch, or the clock in the car, or the time on the coffee pot when it is 11:11 or 11:01 or 1:11 etc… One evening I was texting with my sister. I told her I was thinking about starting a blog and asked what she thought about it. I set my phone down to await her reply. I walked into the kitchen & the coffee pot read 11:11. That wasn’t the actual time… I just hadn’t reset it since the power went out last time. Reading 11:11 made me feel like ‘Yes! Starting a blog is a great idea. Do it!’

I heard somewhere that the number ‘one’ appearing in groups means that loved ones from the other side were around you. I am not sure if that is true, but I sure notice when I see one’s in a group. I take it as a sign. Just a few months ago, I went to a Mexican Food drive-up window for some Chicken Nachos, one of my son’s favorites from this particular restaurant. When the fast food worker handed me the card charging device through the window to sign – there was an option on the screen saying “Leave a tip: 10%, 12%, 15%” etc. I chose 10%. Then when she handed me my receipt – the 1s on it was incredible. The date was 11/1, my food total was $11.11, the tip amount ended up being $1.10. I knew it was my son saying “Hi Mom, I see you ordered my favorite nachos!” I had saved that receipt… but somehow I have misplaced it. I pulled the transaction up on my phone to show the grand total… if you subtract the tip of 1.10 you will see what the amount was.

I’ve also seen 111 as I am checking my stats for my blog, or my Etsy site or even ‘likes’ on Facebook. Not at 109 or 120… but I happen to look when it reads 111. I will take that as a good sign.

I was preparing my dad’s motor-home to go on a camping trip. Since I live in a rural area… it is a must to go through and clean it. As much as we try to prevent it, the occasional mouse will find a way to get in. So, a thorough cleaning and disinfecting always eases our minds before we take it on a trip. I have a fabulous cordless vacuum I use for everything, it comes apart easily and has different attachments. It is great for using on the motor-home, it can get into everywhere. I also took my tailgater in so I could listen to music while I cleaned. I linked it up to my phone via bluetooth and listened to Pandora. As you may know, Pandora will play songs similar to what you have told it you like. I was hearing some songs I had never heard before and began to notice… there were lines in the lyrics that seemed to be talking to me. Like, my son was talking to me through the music. It wasn’t 1 or 2 songs, it was every song that played. After an hour or two, I even said out loud “Are you trying to talk to me?” I thought “how odd is this?” And figured I was just imagining things … until a song played that I had heard dozens of times since I was a young teen, yet never really listened to the words. This time the words had my full attention. They even started out with the word ‘Mama’ …and sent a chill through my body. I had to sit down. The song was describing the day my son & brother died.. word for word. I cried for a long while after that. I knew at that moment, I was not imagining it, my son was speaking to me through the music! The song was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. I still get chills as I write this. Our loved ones seem to have various ways of reaching us. If we only listen.

I think we can all see signs from loved ones on the other side, if we are open to it. For me – it really makes me feel like I am being guided in some way. It also makes me feel like my son is always with me. Give it a try. See what you notice and how it makes you feel inside.

These cookies are amazing!

Well, it is that time of year when I start hearing “Hey Sharon, when are you going to make cookies?” Every family has certain recipes they pull out of the cupboard at certain times of the year. Well, maybe not every family. If you don’t, here is a recipe to start that tradition with. Since Valentine’s Day is near – I have dug out my Sugar Cookie recipe. These cookies are soft and amazing. I’ve had no reason to search for a different sugar cookie recipe since I started making these. I have been using this recipe since my boys were little. I have so many fun memories of us making and decorating the cookies together. Keep in mind, with children helping out; it’s messy, really messy… oh is it ever messy! I promise, the memories are worth the mess though. In recent years we have gotten my nephews together to decorate cookies. It is nice to see the next generation enjoying the same recipe.

I’ve made these cookies and taken them in to work, to share with my coworkers over the years – they are always a favorite. Sometimes people will question if I really made them…or bought them at the local bakery. Serious! I actually heard the words “Did you really make these?” So… take pictures as you go, so you have evidence!

I have added links to certain items I use and recommend. Mixing up the dough is nearly impossible with an electric hand mixer, I burned up a couple of motors with this recipe. I finally caved in (after years of wishing for one) and got a Kitchenaid several years ago & haven’t looked back. It is still going strong, I use it for so many recipes.

I use various heart shaped cookie cutters of course. I use frosting guns to decorate the cookies sometimes. I love them because they squeeze the frosting out for me and are easy to use. However, if the young nephews are helping, I just give them a butter-knife and a small bowl of frosting and let them go to town!

So here is how I make them –

Cream together 1 cup of softened, salted butter and 1 ½ cups of sugar.
Add 2 eggs, 2 tsp Vanilla and 1 cup sour cream (yes, sour cream) to the mixture, mix well.
Sift 1 tsp salt, 2 tsp baking powder & 1 tsp baking soda – in with 5 cups of flour.
Slowly add the sifted dry ingredients to the butter mixture, you may need to switch to dough hook towards the 4th cup.
Once the dough is mixed well, cover the mixing bowl with foil. Set the bowl in the fridge to chill for 1 to 2 hours.

Remove mixing bowl from fridge. Take approximately 1/4 of the dough from the bowl and form it into a ball. Place it on a lightly floured work surface or pastry mat. With a lightly floured rolling pin, roll the dough to ¼ to ⅓ inch thickness and cut the dough into shapes using your cookie cutters. Place each cut cookie onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Leave ¾ inch space between the cookies, as they will grow a bit. Continue rolling, cookie cutting and baking until the rest of the dough is used up.

Bake at 350 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes. Let cookies rest on baking sheet for 3 minutes before transferring them to a cooling rack. Cookies should be a tiny bit brown on the bottom. Once cookies are cooled, frost and decorate!

Frost with your favorite Royal icing or buttercream icing. Get creative, add sprinkles and candy to them. I created a high-speed video of the cookie making. Click here to watch!

Keep cookies in an airtight container, they will stay soft for several days.

So there you have it! I know you, your family and friends will love these. They are great to make at Halloween and Christmas too.

Hands down BEST Sugar Cookies ever! Thank you for stopping by!

A dog saves my broken soul

The title may seem rather exaggerated, but I believe it to my very core. I mentioned in my previous post, my son died a couple of years ago. What I didn’t mention is, I also lost my brother on that very same day. We all lived in the same house. My brother had recently divorced and had moved in until he could get a place of his own. He also had three young children that came to visit him and stayed at the house frequently. I helped out with the kids often. The house was alive with love, laughter, siblings arguing, singing, playing, etc… We had a house full! After the funerals were over and it was time to go back to regular life, the best I could. Life was not the same, as you can imagine. The horrible pain of losing two people that I was very close to and not understanding ‘why’ this happened. To make it worse, the three kids stopped coming over. We went from a house of seven, to two. The house was so quiet and so empty. Most mornings I would wake up and think “I don’t have any reason to get out of bed.” I had such a big empty feeling in my soul. I was devastated and felt so alone.

Fast forward to a couple of months later. My 20ish year old nephew told me he was getting a puppy. He was excited to show me the photos on his smartphone. I immediately wanted one too! I mean who doesn’t look at cute puppy photos and say “Oooh… I want one!”? After I thought about it, (overnight) I was sure I wanted one. I do have an older dog, he is great. Although, he doesn’t like to be indoors and he can be aggressive around food. He is wonderful to go on walks, do tricks and enjoy the outdoors with. I noticed he also was sad and missing our loved ones. He and my son were very close. My nephew checked with the people selling the pups and found out they did have one puppy left for sale. A few days later I was able to bring her home. I swear, she was sent to me from above. She was sent to save me. She is a beautiful, fluffy, perfectly – imperfect Husky. Right from the start, getting her helped me get out of the dark place I was in. I was no longer in a state of endless grief. I had something else to focus on and puppies are a lot of work. I HAD to get up in the morning to keep up with her potty training schedule. I HAD to get dressed and go outside. I HAD to take her for walks, which made me get out and exercise. I HAD to take care of her, she needed me. It was the best feeling; to feel needed in that way again. She relied on me.

I live in a rural area. At first I walked her on a leash. After a few months we switched to an e-collar – it has three options for correcting the dog. Beep, vibrate and zap. The collar has worked wonderful for her, 99% of the time I never have to escalate from ‘beep’. 🙂 Once she did ignore the beep and vibrate as she was chasing after something. Turns out she was chasing a skunk!! That’s a blog for another day. lol

Since I work from home. She lays down next to my chair while I work. She has attitude and ‘talks’ back to me when she doesn’t get her way – as Huskies do. On those nights when I break down and cry… she is always there to console me the best she can. I am never alone because of her. She loves me unconditionally and thinks I am the most wonderful person on earth. She makes me laugh out loud. She is such a big part of my world. She is an indoor dog and has a huge kennel that she goes in when I have to leave the house. Both of my dogs get along very well – they are buddies. I know getting the puppy cheered up my older dog too. She filled a void in his heart as well.

I know getting a pet doesn’t fit in everyone’s life. I just wanted to share how much getting a puppy helped me out of a dark place. I still have my days – there is still a chunk of my heart that is broken. Day by day things get a little easier.

Thank you for reading. I hope you found something helpful. Please subscribe. Have a wonderful day!

Making new memories heals the heart

The way I think about memory is, there is a Rolodex in our brain. (For those who do not know what a Rolodex is, see photo.) Rather than having A,B,C’s on the section tabs there are colors/emotions. There is a bright yellow tab with a happy face for joyful memories. A luscious red for memories filled with love and warmth. A tan tab with a suitcase contains vacation memories. Maybe a blue tab with a sad, crying face for disappointing memories & so on. The Rolodex memory tab that is black with a dagger through a heart is my least favorite. It contains heartbreak, unanswered questions, tear-stained pillows, despair, sleepless nights & my heart being ripped from my chest. For me, this tab was created over 20 years ago when I lost my husband to suicide. Over the years a few memories have been added to it. Unfortunately, it was filled to ‘overload’ nearly 3 years ago while I was on a cruise ship and so far away from home. For about 12 months after that… those were the only memories popping up for me. It was all I thought about, it consumed me. I like to think, if we make new memories, the memories in the ‘black’ tab will not pop up as much. In some way, the happy, good memories will slowly squeeze them out. I speak from experience, surviving after a tragic event is not easy. This is something that helps me when I feel myself isolating from the world and flipping through the ‘black’ tab.

Plan happy memories. I like to plan and be prepared to make new memories. How do you plan memories? Well, for example, I have cake mixes, sprinkles, cupcake papers & little aprons. I have canvas, paints and brushes on hand for when my nephews come to visit. They love to bake and create. I also assemble treasure hunts for them, if you do it in advance, you have more time to make it extra cool and fun. These are memories they will carry with them for a lifetime, memories with ‘me’! You may think I am just doing this for them. The reality is, I do it for me. The memories of a chubby cheeked nephew cracking an egg, all by himself for the first time. That is a new and good memory, one that makes me smile. I’ll file that away under the ‘yellow’ tab

Getting together for a party or a barbecue is another way to make new memories. Planning parties is overwhelming when you are grieving. I know from my own life experience, sometimes it just can’t be done. Just realize, it doesn’t need to be extravagant and over-the-top. Potluck and a board game can create some good memories. Although, a good costume party is also bound to bring good memories.

Learning how to make or do something new, with a loved one. Recently, my daughter-in- law and I learned how to make adorable Valentine gnomes. Teaching someone to do something is also nice. I make greeting cards, so teaching someone how to do that – it is a good memory for me. These memories went under the ‘yellow’ tab.

Planning a vacation. In most cases the end result will leave you with new happy memories once you return home. Not only that, saving up, planning and looking forward to a vacation is helpful to your mind.

The reality is, we can’t erase the ‘black’ tab. However, putting forth effort to create new and happy memories keeps the bad ones at the back of the Rolodex.

This is my first time blogging. I hope you found something in my post helpful. Thank you for stopping by.